Well hey there!
I actually can't remember the last time I wrote a post for this site, so I apologize for not kicking off this new year immediately with a post!
Even though my schedule and timing is what is keeping me from writing, I'm actually kind of glad that I've waited this long to post.
You see, today is January 14th, 2018. It's the day after my Mem's 90th birthday; it's the day that we had her party filled with friends and family; it's another Sunday that I spent in and out of church, seeing the smiling faces of some of the people I care about the most;
It's the day that marks a year and a half since I've started praying for something...with no results.
Now, I'm not going to say exactly what it is I've been praying about. I'm usually an open book, but there are some things that I'd rather just keep between me and God.
Basically, there's a situation that's been on my heart for a year and a half, and for those of you who know me...patience is not my strongest quality. A year and a half to me is basically a decade; it's way too long.
This is something that, quite honestly, tears away at me a little bit. It's something that I think about from time to time, and all I can do in those moments is trust that God has a reason for all of "this."
I went into 2018 with an open mind and an open heart. Sometimes I can be quite close minded, and I believe that some of that can be attributed to some of the doubt I have in myself. I tend to think that I don't deserve the best, so why even try for something better?
2017 was honestly the hardest year of my life, so I vowed to make 2018 not the easiest, but the best and most productive year that I've lived so far.
2017 was the year I turned 18 which means A WHOLE LOT of things; it's the year I graduated high school while stressing about still being enrolled in college; it's the year I lost/grew apart from some really amazing friends; I lost a lot of trust in certain people.
In all of that chaos, I lost sight of Christ time after time...not going to lie. I feel as if all I would do is search for negativity even in the best of things. I spent a lot of my free time just sitting in my room and being angry.
Towards the end of this past year, I started to become blunt with myself. I started asking myself questions as to why I had even gotten into these mindsets of anger and anxiety and doubt and negativity.
I also started to wonder how I could fix them.
So I'm going into this year with a guarded heart and an open mind. I'm not going to be so afraid of what could go wrong, and start taking steps of faith towards things that could possibly go right.
I'm going to start taking care of myself more (I'm basically a shell of a human who's slowly breaking, but is being held together by coffee and royal icing). I'm going to build my physical and mental strength, and I'm going to allow myself time to actually REST.
I'm going to stop keeping myself from being happy. I'm not going to hold myself back from amazing opportunities that are staring at me through wide open doors.
I'm going to spend more time with the people that make me happy; the people that care about me; the people who don't take me for granted. I refuse to keeping letting people take advantage of me and push me around. I was created for so much more than that.
I'm going to find the positives in even the most dire of situations.
So what do all of these resolutions and mini rants have to do with my year-and-a-half prayer?
Like I said, I'm not a patient person. Plain and simple. Like my prayer, all of these things require not only patience, but hard work, faith, and perseverance. Some things take more time than others, and it's just a matter of waiting on the Lord and His perfect timing for our lives.
Romans 5:4 says "and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
Step 1 of 2018: make myself realize that this whole situation is being GIVEN to me as a gift to test my faith and build my character. There is a reason for all of this, and if God tells me to wait another year and a half for some sort of answer to this prayer, then let thy will be done.
This is the year I will turn 19, marking a another year completed of waking up each morning with breath in my lungs, cups of coffee in the kitchen; it's the year I'll graduate with my Associate's degree in Baking and Pastry; it's the year I'll grow closer with some pretty amazing people, and learn to let new people in; it's the year that I'll start to rebuild trust.
It's the year that my relationship with Jesus Christ will be stronger than it's ever been.
It's the year that I'll be patient and trust His ultimate timing.
Love, prayers, and caffeine
PS: (although today was kind of a rough reminder, it was one of the first days in a really long time where I actually felt at peace with everything. God is already doing something good)